Control is a myth. From our early days we seek it and gain as much of it as possible only to have it taken away in the form of "NO" or time-out or even school. We yearn for adulthood because then we will have a taste of that elusive selfishness we weren't allowed to have in grade school or even college (though, in college we dabbled a bit). But no, adulthood isn't all its cracked up to be. We have to work and make money to try to earn a little bit of control of our time. The control we thought we'd gain was simply a misunderstanding. It is freedom, no question, but perhaps even less control. At least we could throw a temper tantrum and demand the toy from the toy-store. Sometimes that would get em. We could manipulate systems to our favor, we could win control. But as an adult, systems are harder to game, rules are harder to break and control, that is rarely ours. We get dumped, we get drunk (we think that will give us control of our fears but rather its just another loss of control--of our senses). Our bosses tell us what to do. Our we compromise with our partners. And then we have children. If we thought we had, maybe an infinitesimal amount of control. That's it...its gone. Out the window and its never coming back. Our little people have begun the vicious cycle all over again and not at all in our favor. And alas, I'm afraid it is never going to end...
I know, dark and depressing. But sometimes I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. As someone that couldn't wait to be an adult. To stop being the go between divorced parents. To stop feeling like I have to take care of everyone else sometimes I feel like I really screwed the pooch.
My husband wants to control me and make sure that I know he's the alpha. The kids wine and scream and know that, as an empath, I am susceptible, through and through to their tears. I'm trying to gain some control of my life by working as a photographer, a doula and now as an MLM consultant. But the more I take on the more I feel more out of control. I don't trust anyone with my kids. I had a Nanny I trusted but we let her go because we can't afford her any more (and according to my husband we dont' need a nanny now that the kids are in school). Apparently with kids in school I'll have more freedom. That's total utter and complete bullshit. I have never felt less in control. Less free.
I know my husband is trying to make it a "win-win" but his version of "win-win" is not we'll split the time or "what do you need?" Its, what do you need, as long as it doesn't get in the way of what I need. Its I'm going to do this for you, as long as I get to do what I want at the same time. And then, I'm just gonna make sure that if I give up MY time then you, wife are going to utilize every single infinitesimal minute to its highest degree. Because if not, you're not utilizing the time, that I GAVE YOU the way you should. Even though I spend time doing whatever the fuck I want.
I'm angry. I'm tired. I feel out of control and I'm depressed. I'm in a very dark place. I'm not happy.
